All my life I have wanted to adopt. At one point, I was sure I would adopt and would never have any biological children. Once I was married I started thinking about biological children. The time came when i got baby fever and had my beautiful son. He is now 2 years old. My Husband and I have found parenting to be a hard adjustment. Not because our son is difficult but simply the life change, (and maybe the sleepess nights).
I had my son by emergency c-section and that has bothered me a bit (I feel I was pushed around my the hospital staff). After the birth I didn’t want to think about having any other children. My husband on the other hand wanted lots more. Slowly as my son got older I realized I wanted to have another child. However, my husband started thinking he only wanted our son (this was during the peak of sleep deprivation). Now that my son is sleeping better my husband agrees that he wants one more child.
Sorry, I am dragging this out, I want to give the whole story. So now that we know we want another child, the decision is biological or adopted? Part of me really wants another biological child, and I admit, I would like to attempt a vaginal birth after c-section. Though that isn’t my only reason, it is a reason, and I feel like it’s a really shallow one. And it’s possible I may end up with a c-birth anyway.
Back to adoption, I have always wanted to adopt. There was a time about 8-10 years ago when I actually felt like I was “supposed” to adopt. Like a spiritual experience.I want to help a child who needs a home. I have attended a few different informarion sessions about adoption and fostercare. We are hoping to foster to adopt if we decide to adopt. And I just can’t seem to give the idea up.
What should I do?
Ideally I would have another biological child and then when my bio kids are older, we would adopt a younger child. But since my husband seems confident that he only wants one more child, I really don’t know what to do?
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11 comments ↓
No one is “supposed to adopt”. I think that is our subconscious brain reacting to all the media adoration of twits who do mass adoptions ala Brangelina, lol.
Of course you want another baby. It’s human nature. I suggest you have another one of your own- it’s what nature intended. It would be awesome for your son to have a biological sibling. It wouldn’t be fair to him to have to deal with some of the issues that an adopted sibling will probably have.
No one should want to adopt, unless it is a child from foster care. They are the only children who “need homes”. Newborn adoption is full of lies, greed, coercion.
If you think parenting a bio kid is difficult, there is no way you could handle the needs of an adopted kid.
Do some reading about the realities of adoption:http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_fa…http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.phphttp://www.adoptioncrossroads.orghttp://www.amfor.net/acshttp://www.origins-usa.orghttp://www.keepyourbaby.com/the_primal_w…http://www.cubirthparents.org/edd/index.…http://www.thegirlswhowentaway.com/http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.phphttp://www.youtube.com/user/adoptedthemo…
Books:
The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier
Lost and Found: the Adoption Experience AND
Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness both by Betty Jean Lifton
The Adopted break Silence by Jean Paton
The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler
Adoption: Uncharted Waters,by David Kirschner
Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David Brodzinsky
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I would do what is in your hearts.
Well, take it as it comes. If you feel like having a biological child, it is okay. There is always time to adopt.
Just because you had a c-section, it doesn’t mean that you can’t have a normal vaginal birth. I know that c-sections suck, I’ve had 2 myself. Now a days, they seem to be able to allow you to have a vaginal birth even after a c-section. Talk to your ob/gyn.
Perhaps you can wait a few years until your children are at a more manageable age and then look into fostering. That way you can have time with your youngest two, then when they are school age, you can concentrate a bit more on your foster children.
So long as you don’t wait 15-20 years you should have plenty of time to realize both dreams.
hi.
i’m sorry you had a bad birth experience (personally, i’m done with hospital births and will deliver my next baby at home); yet, adoption really should be about the child, and not about meeting your husband’s needs for a large family. in addition, adopted children go through a lot; hence the motivation to adopt should solely be for the child. not as an alternative to avoid another bad birth experience.
i would suggest that you have your own. there are many childbirth options that might help you have a different birth outcome.
good luck.
Hi, there. Friends of ours had a biological child and a few years later they decided to have another baby. However, they could not get pregnant so they chose to adopt. They worked with a private adoption agency and STILL waited well over a year to be matched with a birthmother. There ARE homes for these newborns up for adoptions. Those who need to be adopted are children, not infants. If you want a baby, I think you should have another biological child (unless you are considering foreign adoption?). There isn’t a “surplus” of adoptable babies in the US.
But it’s up to you and your family. It’s your life, it’s your love
C-Section 1983
C-Section 1984
Finalized the adoption of 1 and 5 yr old siblings from Foster Care in 2003…
That’s what I did.
This is not an attempt to scare you. Please don’t take it as such. I only wish that someone had shared this with me before we recently made our decision to have another child.
This is the medical consent form that I am required to sign prior to giving birth because my first was by c-section.
“There are risks in any medical or surgical procedure or treatment. The following checklist is designed to help you make an informed decision as to attempting a vaginal delivery after you had a prior Cesarean section. Your other option is to have a repeat Cesarean section. Please discuss the contents of this form with your physician/midwife. Initial each section and select your option below.
Absolute contraindications to VBAC include a previous upper segment uterine incision. Relative contraindications include multiple gestations (twins/triplets) and breech presentation.
1. I understand that I have had one or more prior C-section(s).
2. I understand that I have the option of an elective repeat C-section or to attempt a VBAC.
3. I understand that about 70% of women who attempt VBAC will successfully deliver vaginally.
4. I understand that a successful VBAC carries a lower risk to me than Cesarean delivery. The benefits of a successful VBAC include decreased blood loss, decreased post delivery complications, and in many cases, a shorter recuperative period.
5. I understand that the risk of uterine rupture during VBAC is approximately 1-1.5% (1+ per 100 women attempting VBAC) with spontaneous labor and up to 7% during a stimulated labor. The risks to the fetus include permanent brain injury and fetal death. The risk is higher than following a Cesarean section.
6. The risks to me after uterine rupture include hysterectomy, blood transfusions, injury to bowel or bladder, blood coagulation problems and death.
7. The maternal complications from a Cesarean section include injury to the bowel or bladder, hemorrhage, deep venous thrombosis, blood clots to the lungs, uterine or wound infections or complications from anesthesia. Some of these complications could possibly lead to permanent disability or death.
8. I understand that if I choose to attempt a VBAC and end up having a Cesarean section during labor, I have a greater risk of complications than if I had an elective repeat Cesarean section.
After discussing my options with my care provider,
I want to attempt a VBAC OR
I decline to attempt a VBAC.”
After discussing my personal history with my new doctor (who is pro-natural-birth, pro-VBAC), we have actually decided together that another C-section is in store for me. Your situation could be different.
I say that as long as you know what the possibilities are with either decision, you will make the decision that you are gravitating towards most. Think about your best and worst case scenarios with each decision and picture living those lives. Then see which ones tugs your heart the most.
Good luck to you! This is a very difficult decision. It is admirable that you are willing and able to take in another child to raise – even if they are not yours biologically. Sadly, that is far and few between and many of those who are willing are not financially able. Bless you.
I would adopt, because it is a kid in need. You should adopt and give a child a good home. Some children are up for adoption because they had bad parents. You should adopt them and give them the expierience of nice parents.
Have a biological child.
Contrary to popular belief, very little about adoption and it’s current 3 billion dollar per year industry is about “a child in need.” Since the 1940’s adoption has been about anything BUT benevolence. Infant adoption is riddled with unethical practices that manipulate poor, disenfranchised, single women to relinquish their children to two parent homes that are “well off” because they’d be “selfish” if they did otherwise. Adoption extends past the few women who are unwilling to parent or would be unfit parents and into convincing willing and loving parents to relinquish in order to supply the demand for infants in this country. To me, severing the biological ties of a child as well as causing a child to experience the pain of seperation and trauma from the mother who carried him is what is “selfish” on the part of a society that has a warped view of adoption.
I am an adoptee. I love my adoptive parents. I do not love the adoption industry or how it historically has treated women and children. Unless a child–of any age, gender or personal characteristic–is truly orphaned, truly abandoned or truly abused and there is no opportunity for the extended family model of adoption to take place, I do not support adoption.
…don’t even get me started about foreign adoption…..
Hi
No one is supposed to adopt. Brilliantly said by LinnyG.
Adoption should be for children (and sometimes babies)who are True Orphans or children who are in danger, and there will never be any thing other than abuse and danger for them , no matter how much counseling the biologicals get!
Adoption means to take anothers child and take as ones own…
There should be no infant adoption. (unless true orphan or abuse situation as stated above)
But there is. There are girls. young women, older women, who are poor, scared, confused, anxious, who are coerced. lured into a false sense of security by people who are being driven by the almighty $$$$. Adoption is a multi- billion dollar industry praying off the wombs of young and not so young, naive, scared, poor girls/women…
Let me put it to you this way, in a way I truly believe you will connect with, you have just recently had a beautiful baby, and all be it that it was not your perfect desired birth and instead had to be a surgical one, you still at the end of the day gave birth / life to a beautiful baby…a image of you and your husband ..or other family members ….right??
And how do you feel when you gaze lovingly into your baby’s eyes?? Warm all over ? joyful, such deep love ? such deep connection ?
Now imagine some young poor naive girl, scared, frightened and being convinced that giving up HER baby is the only RIGHT thing to do . That the baby will suffer if she does give it up, to a loving mother and father who will bestow wondrous gifts that she can never expect to be able to do..
All these people, agency workers, adoption counselors, adoptive parents, convincing her its the UNSELFISH Thing to do, its such a gift that she is giving (some spout she will be rewarded in heaven) that really there is NO other choice for her but to GIVE This GIFT to these wonderful people…..
And as she is in hospital giving birth to this beautiful baby…the life that has been inside her for 9 months , growing in her, tapping at her belly, wriggling around (giving her heartburn!) …this amazing little life is pushed out of her …and straight into the arms of STRANGERS (to the baby)
The baby cries hard, pitiful heartbreaking cries, desperate for that voice that it has heard for the past 9 months, desperate for that smell…..
But no its not to be..because she is being wheeled out into another room…forever to be separated from this bundle of joy, who now cries even harder…
That wonderful joy of having baby to breast, naked skin to naked skin, that wonderful baby smell, that soft soft skin and hair that is like a cloud, those beautiful trusting eyes, UNABLE TO BE SEEN OR FELT by her..that wondrous connection between mother and child eternally broken..
Broken by Adoption…
Can you honestly be apart of that ? knowing the joy of giving birth and life to a baby ?
Don’t get sucked into the Lies and deceit of how wonderful adoption is…
Get yourself a top notch OB and a good Doula, go get yourself that VBAC only with expert opinion that your body is able to do so (most women can)
If you somehow can not have another baby and you desperately want to help a child in need , then look at fostering…
BUT fostering takes VERY SPECIAL people, who are mentally, emotionally and physically aware and able to deal with the traumas that those children have had ..
GO try for your Vbac..
All the best, Merry Christmas and Happy 2010
Jane x
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