15 months ago, at age 25, I was convicted of grand theft (shoplifting) and child neglect (misdemeanor) for leaving my then 8-month-old daughter home alone while she napped. It was an isolated incident. I had NEVER done anything neglectful to her or my then 6-year-old son (from a previous relationship) before then and it has not been repeated. Basically I put my baby down for a nap, locked up my house, and was accused of shoplifting at a local Target store. While I was detained I told the police that my baby was home alone.
I pleaded no-contest, and was put on probation for 3 years. I served a total of 6 days in jail (on the weekends), picked up garbage for 14 days, and paid the fines. The probation department told me that I was not a high-risk offender and actually put me on unsupervised probation. This means that I don’t even have a Probation Officer to check in with anymore. I have never violated my probation.
I have never done anything against the law before this or after. It was my first crime and arrest. It is a very long story that led up to my mental state of mind at that time that led up to the incident. I won’t go into it. My daughter was unharmed.
CPS got involved and immediately started researching my family. My husband and I had only been married for 9 months and we lived in a nice home. We were BOTH ordered to complete a 9-week parenting class, submit to random drug tests, and have regular visits with the social worker (home drop-ins including). For the last 14 months they have deemed me and my husband as FIT parents. They know that it was an isolated incident and that there is no other abuse. My daughter is wonderfully taken care of, provided for, paid attention to, etc. I’m a stable mom with no mental disorders (I was evaluated), depression, addictions, drug use, alcohol use, or other risky behavior.
I did what I did due to sheer sleep deprivation and was not of rational mind at the time. My daughter was 8 months old and had not slept in several days. I was a newlywed and caring for my then 6-year-old son and 5 year old step-son. My husband was not supportive and I was generally very unhappy. No excuses. I have come to grips with it.
Since then my husband lost custody of his son (now he only has visitation every other weekend) and I have been the SOLE financial provider for my family. I have paid all the rent, bills, utilities, dayacre, medical insuarnce, etc. and I have continued to be the baby’s primary caregiver. I was a stay-at-home mom until she was 18 months old and for the last 6 months she’s been satying home with me 3 days a week and going to a local daycare 2 days a week, which I pay for.
To sum it all up: since my arrest, my husband has NEVER forgiven me for what I did and has used it as an excuse to treat me like GARBAGE ever since. Cheating, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, mind games, etc. He’s been a really crappy partner.
He finally left me last week, moved in with his mother in another county, and says that he will file for full custody and win due to my past. He and I have been sharing the baby 2-2-3 split and its very hard on me, I miss her so much and I hate that he is threatening to take her when I have been the more involved parent. Aside from what I did, I have been an excellent mom to my girl. I have been her primary caregiver and financial provider and can prove it. Hubby just wants to hurt me by keeping her.
What are his chances of getting primary physical custody? He moved out and moved in with his mom in another county. He goes out at night and leaves the baby with his mom while he parties. He is also smoking pot.
Thanks for all input. BTW, I don’t want to keep my baby from seeing her dad but I feel she should reside primarily with me since she already has a routine with me and a babysitter here, etc. She will be 2 next month. She’s never spent more than 48 hours away from me. My husband could see her whenever he wants but I just don’t want her to go to 2 different daycares and spend so much time away from me. She needs stability. I would be fine with him seeing her every day for a bit and having her every other weekend.
Thanks.
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8 comments ↓
You are going to need a good lawyer. But it sounds like you have a chance at primary or joint custody. I don’t think he will get primary – it sounds like he has his own issues. You will want to work on documenting your “Fitness” but as importantly how you will watch your child when you are at work and such. Your ex moving in with his mother could actually work toward his advantage in terms of his mother watching his child. Ironic, I know, and wrong, but also real.
DA
A lot of excuses there but the fact remains you endangered your child and have to deal with the consequences.
Part of me wants to really blast you for what you did. You left a baby home alone so you could go out and steal, claiming sleep deprivation as an excuse. My question is, why didn’t you take a damn nap instead? You claim you have no mental disorders but nobody in their right mind would do such a horrid thing. What if the house had caught on fire? You’d be in prison for a long, long time. There is simply no excuse for what you did.
Now, having said that, I don’t know what kind of parent you really are. I know that severe sleep deprivation can cause a lot of problems. I couldn’t sleep for more than 15 minutes per day for about 2 weeks and I ended up having seizures and hallucinations in many forms. Visual, hearing, smell, etc. It’s very dangerous but you should have found some help rather than let it get that far.
I am a parental rights advocate. Yes, you made a horrible mistake and you might end up paying dearly for it but we all make stupid mistakes (though yours was pretty bad) and I don’t think you should lose your daughter forever because of it. Your husband sounds like a total asshole and I do not think he’s a good father, if what you say about him is true. So while I think CPS dropped the ball in your case, if you have a good relationship with your social worker, I suggest you get in touch with them to see if they can help you (but I’d do this ONLY as a last resort). You will need to get an attorney and custody battles are not cheap. The ones I contacted 10 years ago all required a $15,000 retainer fee. The courts aren’t going to appoint you one and they very well may give him temporary sole custody and make you have supervised visitations only.
Unfortunately, he has the upper-hand right now. You’re going to have to fight 10 times as hard for 1/5 of the results because of your past. He is going to use that to justify him keeping her and he is going to crucify you for it. It’s wrong but that’s the sad reality. So while a part of me just can’t wrap my head around what you did, I don’t think it’s something you will repeat.
Do NOT get CPS involved. Do not call any abuse/neglect allegations in on your husband. If he is abusive towards her, you need to let the police handle this. You’ve got 2 strikes against you already with CPS and they may end up taking her away from both of you if you’re not careful. Once that happens, you’re toast. I do NOT want to see that happen to you. I admire your honesty. A lot of people would never have admitted what they did or would have made up a lie to cover it up. I think it’s very telling that you openly admit it and are dealing with it.
I went through something similar with my first husband when he decided he was the better parent after not being a part of my son’s life for 14 years. If you want to contact me, email me at bwalexander3@yahoo.com. I also have a CPS reform (anti-CPS) blog at http://cpsasystemoutofcontrol.blogspot.com. You’re more than welcome to read that to see if there’s something on there that can help you. Your biggest problem is going to be finding a good attorney at a reasonable price. You won’t be given a court-appointed attorney for a custody battle. So email me if you want my help. I’ll do what I can but 10 years ago the cheapest decent attorney wanted $15,000 as a retainer.
Excuses, excuses….This whole story was very draining and I am now getting offline. Next time take your kids with you, stop stealing…..Poor kids
How can he take the kids from you when he got had to take classes too? I think you’ve proven yourself to be a FIT mom.
IMO, he just wants the kids because he isn’t working and wants you to pay HIM child support. I mean, you were the sole provider anyway. . .
Get an attorney and find out what your rights are ASAP.
You made a mistake and it is now in the past. If everyone was honest they would be ashamed about something in their past so don’t listen to the d/h’s that bag you.
You say you can prove that you now provide a stable home for your kids so thats half the battle.
If the ex wants to get nasty and you know he smokes the weed then just tell him you will ask the court to plz drug test him every week. It stays in the system for 3 months.
I wish you and your kids good luck!
You know what you did was wrong and I think your doing what you can to prove that you are a fit mother I think he has no chance yeah you messed up but you are trying very hard to show everyone that it was just a messed up moment in your life and your not really like that continue doing what your doing and IF he even takes you to court I’d tel them they can begin another investigtion if they want to and they can see for themselves how well you are treating your children.
we all have bad thing go wrong in are live thare is know one in the would that can say thay havent done something wrong,but next time if u have a hill in ur life that u need to clime over just think ur little girl need u and drug are not the way to go ok .u sound like u are doing a very good job now but just think ur little girl is going to look u to u now that she is two.any time u get that way never go for the wrong road pic ur little girl up and hold her in ur arm and u will fight the hard time that is what i do even when i get so sad i think that i dont want my life anymore to just end it but ur kids will and can get u throw anything life puts in ur way, u mite not have a lot of people in ur life that love u but just remamber ur little girl love u no mader what u do,cause some day she will need u thare for bad suff that get in her life when she get old and u will just fight for her know what u want and dont let anyone get in ur way.
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